Air Canada issues new travel policy: you must check your privilege

MONTREAL, QC—This morning, Air Canada announced a new policy effective immediately: all passengers will have to check their privilege before boarding the plane.

"We just wanted to add a new and highly complex step into the already fraught process of flying with us," explains Air Canada spokesperson Ana Clement.

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In an effort to help passengers prepare, the airline has posted an FAQ page on its website, which Clement recommends reviewing ahead of time.

"To be honest, though, your flight will likely be cancelled at least once, so you'll have plenty of time to go through it while waiting at the airport," Clement says reassuringly.

The FAQ features questions such as, "What is privilege?" which links to a series of online thinkpieces; "Can I bring my privilege in 100 mL containers?" (Answer: No); and "I don't have any privilege!" (Answer: This is a sure sign of privilege).

Airline staff has been in training to best answer customers' inquiries.

"Mostly they're recommending the usual: don't answer the phones," says Customer Service Representative Gabriel Platt, stationed at the Toronto's Pearson Airport service desk. "And in person, project hostility and impatience."

As we speak, a male customer approaches with a query. "Excuse me, I'm unemployed and I live in a basement apartment. Does this privilege thing still apply to me?"

"Are you still a white male?" Platt asks, with narrowed eyes. Crestfallen, the man leaves to repack.

Unsurprisingly, these new changes have slowed security screenings to a halt.

"People are a bit confused," says security officer David Khan. "So we're giving out this handy checklist." He brandishes a 75-page document, which helps travellers identify privileged groups they may belong to, including "white," "cisgendered," as well as some lesser-known options such as "American Express cardholder" and "lactose tolerant."

"It's going to be tough at first," Khan admits. "Still, I'm enjoying watching all these white people try to smuggle their privilege up their asses."

There are of course those who have alternatives to help them avoid the hassle.

"I was told my privilege weighed too much to even take in my checked luggage," said billionaire Trip Highburn. "But I'm fine. I'll just take my private plane."

As an adjunct to this policy, Air Canada plans to blackout all windows to banish "window seat privilege" and equalize all passengers' experiences of the flight to be that of hurtling through the air in a cavernous hellbox — not dissimilar to how people have long been describing trips with Air Canada.

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