Self-proclaimed "nice guy" demands constant recognition for not being a racist, homophobic misogynist
TORONTO, ON—Noted "nice guy" Matt Stover, 32, is more than willing to stand up for women, gay people, and people of colour, as long as he can be continually praised for his actions.
"I'm just a really nice, regular guy," beams Stover, sipping on his extra-foamy Grande cappuccino. "I think it takes a lot of guts for a guy like me – sensitive, big biceps, good at sports – to stand up for the underdog. I love to slip into conversation how often I confront piece-of-shit misogynists, or sometimes I'll post on social media about a good deed I did, just so people know how great of a guy I am, you know?"
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Friend John Wright, 30, recalls, "Matt once retweeted RuPaul and then talked all week about how he 'respects the gay agenda.' Eventually, I patted him on the back, tossed him a Mill Street Organic, and told him he's a 'really good guy,' just to get him to shut up."
Paul Down, 27, who works with Stover, recently attended a party with the self-described humanitarian. "He referred to me as 'my black friend, Paul,' when introducing me to people, almost as if I were just there to prove to everyone he's not racist. It was weird, man," says Down. "Also, someone brought Jiffy Pop and that was delicious as hell."
Stover's ex-girlfriend Miranda Blanche, 29, also recollects similar behaviour. "I dated Matt for 10 months, and it was really great at first," recalls Blanche. "He always held the door, offered to take me for Swiss Chalet, and he even bought me an Edible Arrangement on our anniversary. But I noticed his social media was just every remotely decent thing he did. And it always ended with a dumbass hashtag. He posted a picture of a garbage bag he didn't even take out –he just tied it up and left it in my apartment – and hashtagged #goodguy and #boyfriendoftheyear. It was fucking annoying."
When questioned, Stover has quite a different opinion of what happened in his relationship with Blanche. "I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian. It would make the most sense. Which is totally cool. I have a lot of lesbian friends," he announced, lacing up his Air Force 1 shoes. "I also don't really see colour, like, I didn't even find out I was dating a black woman until three weeks in after she attended a Black Lives Matter rally. I'm just that kind of guy, I guess. Besides, everyone knows that ALL lives matter."
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