Hummus shortage crisis directly linked to lesbian BBQs during Pride Month
TORONTO, ON—Every year, Pride brings people together to acknowledge the history and diversity of the LGBTQ community with parties, art, many terrible hangovers, and so many barbecues. However, due to a combination of a record number of beautiful days and lesbians' innate need to host constant social gatherings, there is now a tragic and unexpected outcome to this month's festivities: a city-wide hummus shortage. This morning, officials declared a full-blown hummus crisis.
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Marie Haas, 23, a proud vegan, was shocked last week when her partner, Jade Yu, 25, bought a whopping 87 containers of hummus in preparation for her upcoming Pride barbecue.
"At first I thought, 'Man! This is going to be way too many hummuses. There's absolutely no way 25 lesbians can eat this much hummus.'"
Haas recalled grinning fondly while picking at a gluten-free sage and cranberry muffin. "But when Jade broke it down for me, she reminded me just how determined lesbians can be, and to my surprise, she was right! All of the hummus had been fully consumed before we even lit the grill. It just goes to show: never underestimate a lesbian and her love for hummus."
Unfortunately, however, not everyone prepared early enough.
Kara Wilson, 33, hosts an annual barbecue mid-month at her Cabbagetown home, but tragically, has fallen victim to the crisis.
"I walked straight to the organic garlic hummus section at my local depanneur, and my jaw dropped in horror," Wilson reported. "There was no hummus. NONE! I was shocked. I was very upset. Four empty shelves in the fridge. Just fluorescent lights and old water stains," she sniffled, tearing up.
"I just don't know what I'm going to do. I have 15 lesbians coming over in 20 minutes. What will we eat? What will I tell them? I can't tell them that there isn't any hummus, it will start a riot. And I have too many decorative plates on my walls for a riot."
The founder of one of the most popular hummus producers in Canada, Howard Burns, 72, said he was shocked but selfishly pleased with the situation.
"Never in my 30 years making hummus have we ever had a shortage crisis like this. This is very good for business," Burns replied smugly, "But this is a lesson we can learn from – next June, we'll need to triple, no, quadruple our production just to keep up with demand. Maybe we can even make a rainbow hummus, and really capitalize on all those Pride people. Brilliant!"
Right at that moment, millions of lesbians around the world simultaneously rolled their eyes and sighed, "Ugh, I'll just make it myself next year."
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