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Comedy·MUSIC

Shania Twain's new album set to bomb in September

After a 15-year hiatus, Canada's own Country/Pop/Rock star Shania Twain is releasing a new album that will undoubtedly bomb in a spectacular fashion.
Jon Schabl · CBC Comedy ·
(Shutterstock / RoidRanger)

TIMMINS, ON—After a 15-year hiatus, Canada's own Country/Pop/Rock star Shania Twain is releasing a new album that will undoubtedly bomb in a spectacular fashion.

Twain, a long-time staple of Canadian music, sold more than 85 million records in the 1990s and early 2000s. You may remember her many hits, including Man! I Feel Like A Woman and the remix of Man! I Feel Like A Woman. Not to mention the countless parodies such as Man! I Feel Like A Mormon, Damn! I Peel Like An Orange and the nonsensical runaway Christmas/dessert hit Flan! I Deal Like a Snowman.

Twain's label has assured potential listeners that the forthcoming album will have a new "diverse" sound while still rooted firmly in contemporary Dad Rock with a healthy dose of Great Aunt Hoedown. As of now, the album has no title and is slated for release in September of 2018, with the first single, Life's About To Get Good, coming this June. The single is expected to get heavy play at both grocery stores and minor league hockey games.

The album will not be available on iTunes, Pandora or even Tidal, and instead will be released through Columbia House and can be bought for a penny if you buy at least 12 copies of Tubthumping by Chumbawamba. The album is expected to sell well in the key demographic of female hairdressers 42-68 years of age and the videos are expected to be most watched by their husbands while their wives are asleep.

It is unclear whether youth of today will be able to stop vaping long enough to notice the resurgence of this once prominent artist. One can only hope that auto-tune versions of songs like Yeehaw Yezus and Twerk My GMC Sierra, Bitches! featuring Nicki Minaj can nudge Twain back into the spotlight once again.

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