Mother's Day can be a reminder of love — and loss

This story is part of Amy Bell's Parental Guidance column, which airs on CBC Radio One's The Early Edition.

I am a mother, and I wear that badge proudly.

But I am also motherless, so Mother's Day has been coloured with sadness for the past few years.  I'm still working out how to balance the two extremes, and I'm not alone in finding this special day less a time to celebrate and more a day to endure. 

Mother's Day can be difficult for many different reasons. 

If someone has lost their mother or lost a child, it can be a brutal reminder of their death.  For those experiencing infertility or pregnancy loss, the day is a reminder of the baby they have never held in their arms.

Some people choose not to maintain contact with their mothers for their own well-being, and the day can make them keenly aware of her absence. Megan Sheldon, a ceremonialist and end-of-life doula, is also a mother who has experienced loss through miscarriages.

"Through my own experiences of pregnancy loss, before I became a mother to my two daughters, I remember those Mother's Days were particularly hard. Trying to conceive and then having loss and not necessarily having that loss acknowledged publicly ... there's that version of Mother's Day that will always hold sadness. " 

 And there are ways to support a loved one struggling with this "Hallmark" holiday. Grief and anxiety can be difficult, but it doesn't help to ignore those emotions. Through her work, Sheldon helps people identify individualized approaches to honour and acknowledge what they are feeling.

"It's about managing your expectations and managing what you need. It might involve a ritual walk that day to a special place that you connect with your loss or grief in some way," says Sheldon.

"Knowing that you have that walk coming up can also give you those tools to say, 'I'll be feeling a lot of things that day, but I know we are going to go for this walk and talk about my mom and share the stories ... and we're going to share the stories of the pregnancies that I lost and normalize it.'" 

Don't ignore the grief and sadness

It can also be tempting to just pretend Mother's Day is cancelled so as not to trigger a person's grief, sadness or anger. But the feelings someone is experiencing, even if painful, deserve to be recognized. 

Dr. Veronica Li, a registered clinical counsellor, recommends reaching out to those who have lost someone so they know they aren't alone. Remember that the grief someone is experiencing, even if painful, deserves to be recognized and shouldn't be minimalized.

"Avoiding it or trying to say encouraging things comes from a good place but can sometimes seem dismissive for people who have gone through loss," says Li. 

"Saying things like 'your time will come' or 'at least you have x, y and z to be grateful for,' despite having caring intentions, could be more painful for people who have infertility challenges or who have lost people in their lives." 

And don't feel guilty if you choose to celebrate your own motherhood while also mourning the loss that this day reminds you of. Life is filled with all sorts of complexities, and you can honour both sides of the day. 

There is a beautiful phrase of 'the both and.' You can feel both grief and gratitude at the same moment," says Sheldon. "You don't have to only feel one thing.  You can feel anger and shame and guilt along with joy and hope and excitement."

 Li agrees that the duality of life means we don't have to choose between emotions.

"As humans, we are so complex we can experience more than one emotion at once. And feelings can be really messy, too.

Feelings are messy. Life is messy. And motherhood is especially messy, and so it makes sense that a day dedicated to celebrating moms can be complex. But know that whatever mess you are working through, it's valid and true. 

For those who are celebrating Mother's Day — enjoy.  And for those who may feel untethered and unsettled, I will be thinking of you and hope you are supported and treated with kindness.