Friend or foe: What can you do if your child is in a toxic friendship?

This story is part of Amy Bell's Parental Guidance column, which airs on CBC Radio One's The Early Edition.

As your kids settle into their new classrooms and schools, you might start hearing all about the cool, new friends they're making. 

Close friendships can be one of the first great loves of a child's life. Starting as early as preschool, friends play an incredibly important role in shaping who you grow up to be.

But what happens if you suspect a new friend is a bad influence, or not good for your child's wellness or self-esteem?

Friends are important for a child's development

Dona Matthews, a developmental psychologist and author of several parenting books, says it's through friendships that your child begins to uncover and embrace their true selves — not just the version that parents see at home.  

"They learn about who they are, what they do well compared to others," said Matthews. "Kids expect parents to think everything they do is great, but when a friend says something like, "wow, you draw that so well," it's very meaningful in helping children develop real confidence." 

Psychologist and author Sara Dimerman agrees that school friends can teach children a lot — perhaps more so than what they actually learn in class. 

"Having friends in your life that you feel that you can go to; having friends that you feel you have things in common with; having that social element in your life is, to me, just as important as what we learn academically," she said. "Having that social support in your life is essential."

At the same time, young friendships can also be a source of turmoil and stress — but that's a normal part of friendship that teaches us conflict resolution and how to navigate different social situations. Having an argument or falling out with a friend is OK.

But friendship become toxic when one person starts undermining the other's self-worth, which can take a serious toll on children.

"Toxic friendship is bullying," stresses Matthews. "In some ways, it's a more intense experience of bullying because this person feels like your friend and they're treating you like you're not OK, like there's something wrong with you." 

If you're worried about a certain friend, think first about why you feel this child is an unsuitable companion. Is it because they have a "bad reputation"? Did you hear another parent complain about them?

Dimerman says to check your own biases before anything else. 

"Even things that you heard from your own parents growing up. You may have a biased opinion toward where they live or their race or anything like that," she warned. "And, most importantly, don't jump in too hastily or have a knee-jerk reaction to what you're hearing."

Cycle of 'bad' friends 

If you feel your child is constantly picking "bad" friendships, it could be that you have unrealistic expectations of your child and who you want them to be. That means really exploring your child's interests and who they feel most aligned with.

You can ask why they feel connected to a person and expose them to various groups of people who have different abilities and interests. But if they are repeatedly in a cycle of toxic friendships, you also have to look at what is being fulfilled by these friends. 

"It does act as a bit of warning sign that your kid needs more support," Matthews said. 

"They need help recognizing their own value. So, look for ways to emphasize and show them what's great about them; to see them as wonderful to the extent that you can, and help them see that too."

And try to avoid banning these "bad apples" entirely from your child's life. Kids will find ways to stay connected behind your back. 

"With social media and all the underground communication, your child is going to continue having a relationship with a person that he or she wants to," said Dimerman. "... It's the case of forbidden fruit. If you forbid your child from eating something, or doing something, they want it even more. It's a way of asserting themselves." 

Will you like every friend your child chooses to have in their lives? Of course not. They probably don't like some of your friends, either. 

But friends can play roles that you may not understand. That's part of growing up and finding yourself, and becoming independent of your parents. It's a process and there will be hiccups and heartbreak. So, support them, spend time with them, talk to them and let them know they are worthy and important no matter who they hang out with.