I've spent my life as a performer. The pandemic taught me new ways to keep the darkness out

Any artist who has sustained a career for a decade, or two, or three, has a wealth of resilience in their soul — it's your secret weapon. It's what you grasp onto in order to remain focused, to never lose sight of your vision, continue raising your bar, giving your best no matter the situation, to continue being resourceful and innovative, to keep your creative juices flowing.

Resilience is our tool to never give up or give in.

I am a very intricate, almost strangely categorized artist. As a circus artist I specialize in things like vertical rope, contortion, hand balancing and acrobatic research — the list goes on. I have spent my last 25 years exploring how far I can push my body while testing my emotional, mental and physical strengths daily. At the same time I visualize creative pieces, dreams, ideas, desires and with enormous amounts of work, I place them on paper, and then, on stage — where all of that work comes alive, in front of a live audience.

It's always worth it, every time.

As artists, we face a magnitude of obstacles, pain, injuries, stress in difficult conditions and at times exhaustion. For those like me, a 31-year-old with roughly 10 years of international experience and success, nothing can really break us. My intense and relentless personality stood down to nothing. There were times I would cry myself to sleep in my hotel room in Hong Kong, India or Mexico city, overworked and/or dealing with difficult conditions.

But almost nothing would stop me from my work. Only, if ever, a rare health emergency came about. I would never miss the stage — not for anything.

I looked at the challenges and the demands of performing as opportunities to rise above the standard. Since I first began training at six years old, I fell in love with the rush and the liveliness of the present moment. I fell in love and will always be in love with the pure essence of power and the fleeting moments of ecstasy that come with the communication of one's humanity with a live audience. For as long as I can remember, I've known my purpose and lived in it passionately.

Never could I imagine that a pandemic would halt my performative career and shut down our places of practice and creation. I had to get creative in a different way, in order to preserve my physical form, keep my mind active and learning, and to keep my heart full, though it was broken.

As everything shut down, I immediately began structuring my training, six days a week. Some days are more strength or endurance-based, some more movement and flexibility-based. I practise yoga seven days a week as well, all of this noted in my agenda. With specific times for meditations, to practise guitar, to write for future shows I hope to create, to run with loud music. Thanks to my structuring, my sanity and health was maintained during the first wave. I felt as if I was able to dance through it.

Though our performance industry remains almost fully shut down, I continued working as much as possible. Mostly in filmed events, outdoor performances or small creative developments. I was busy and ready to do whatever it took to bring our industry back.

As the second wave came, I felt the severe hit my industry took yet again. I realized this would be a long grieving process. The only way I would be able to thrive through it all would be through serious productivity, and of course, resilience. I needed a specific plan. I needed daily challenges that were outside of my comfort zone. All of the self-disciplined challenges I gave myself were not enough to keep my mental health. I could see darkness coming.

I began relentlessly researching educational programs where I could earn a diploma outside of the arts, but in something that still intrigued my mind. It was honestly terrifying, but I found something — medical administration. An education that gives me a more in-depth understanding of the work of art I believe the human body is. How the Canadian health-care system functions, direct learning of the gravity of this pandemic, as well as the needs of our people, our hospitals and our primary care clinics. The program also includes essential courses in anatomy, medical terminology, software use, all new things I had to learn.

I will always be the artist I am, one who wakes in the morning with visions and colours in my mind of the things I will create. With sounds in my ears of the live audiences I will come back to, the scents of the 40 countries I have worked in. There is not one minute out of the day since March 2020 that I do not yearn for my career, my "normal life," the life in which I am certain is my purpose. But until then, I have found a beautiful, secondary craft in my studies, in my new daily life. The scheduling has made me more productive in my training, my freelance work and my writing — I always continue to place the visions and images that brew in my mind onto paper.

It brings me a sense of peace to know I have a plan, and that plan is to remain always ready for the return of my performance industry. But also, to gain this other education and to one day maybe service my community and city which I love so much, as an administrative health professional.

I've had to replace my fear of the unknown with curiosity, faith, work and love.

Be safe, take care, and keep reaching for that star of yours.

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This story is part of a special CBC Quebec project Out of the Dark: Real Talk on Mental Health. If you are having a hard time coping, here are some resources that could help.

If you are in crisis or know someone who is, here is where to get help:

• Canada Suicide Prevention Service: 1-833-456-4566 (Phone) | 45645 (Text, 4 p.m. to midnight ET only) crisisservicescanada.ca

• In Quebec (French): Association québécoise de prévention du suicide: 1-866-APPELLE (1-866-277-3553)

• Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868 (Phone), Live Chat counselling at www.kidshelpphone.ca

• Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention: Find a 24-hour crisis centre