It's 'a lonely time to die' says hospital chaplain as Windsor-Essex pandemic death toll climbs

Hospital chaplain Paul Sharrow has seen a lot of death this year, but the time that stands out for him is when he helped a woman dying of COVID-19 talk to her husband with Alzheimer's over a video call. 

"He was a little bit confused about what this was all about exactly, but ... there was just a little point that happened in her conversation with him, where he really tuned in, you could see him fixate right on her. And he was very touched by the whole thing," he said.

"And as the conversation went, you could hear her trying to say goodbye, him trying to comprehend her saying goodbye and stay with it and it was a beautiful moment." 

Unlike the many other times Sharrow has been present in these moments, he said this one was unique because he couldn't step away to give the couple their privacy as he was holding the screen for them to chat. 

"I kind of felt like I was crowding in on a private moment. It's not the first time I've been in that moment with people at the end of life. But this one was different, I think, because everything was different ... I was very aware that I was really squished in on their world." 

The region passed a grim milestone of 100 deaths earlier this week, with 114 recorded as of Thursday.

For most of those victims, the pandemic has changed the moment of death and end of life celebrations.

People can't hold their loved ones during a time of loss and are saying goodbye through a screen. And with lockdown restrictions in place, many have put their gatherings on hold — making the grieving process that much more difficult.

Though Sharrow has spent the last 15 years of his career as a hospital and hospice chaplain, he said he's never had to deal with something like this. 

"There's no script for this," he said. "This is totally new ... working long-distance with families is hard because they get on the phone and they kind of cry it out a little bit. They're hurting a lot, they're angry, they're angry at everything, the sickness, they're angry at the loss and the terrible disadvantage they're at." 

Most times, he's the only one at the bedside, holding up an I-pad or phone so people can say their final goodbye. 

"[Technology] is a great thing ... but you know that thing doesn't have a way to feel, it just carries the news," he said. "It just doesn't have the pulse in it, that a face-to-face conversation with the tears, with the ache, with the longing in it."

A 'lonely time to die'

And because people can't be there in person to touch or hold, Sharrow said he does believe that it's a "lonely time to die." 

"The silence of somebody saying goodbye on their I-pad vs sitting in the room, it's probably better that you can sit in the room beside them and be, it's not going to hurt any less but there's a real human touch part," he said.

"But here's an opportunity where people are trying to piece together how to say goodbye without the person sitting in the room." 

Despite this, he said he's happy that he's been able to bring people together, even if it's not what they had planned. 

"Sometimes that's all you manage to do to, help people capture moments in the middle of this craziness where they can actually say, 'I love you' ... And that's maybe all you get done, but that's a lot, it's a whole lot," he said.

People struggling with being separated during loss

That inability to be with loved ones during their final moments is something that people are struggling with, according to pandemic therapist Dana St Jean from Windsor-Essex's Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA). 

"They're feeling that not only was I isolated, but what about my loved one? Where they comforted at that point in time?" she said. 

Not only can people not be there but they also can't grieve the death as they would, as gatherings aren't taking place. 

"With the increase in numbers, isolation and distancing is being recommended for health reasons. So people are really noticing the struggle with the isolation around just kind of processing through grief," St Jean said. 

But CMHA bereavement educator Sonia McMahon-Comartin said planning an end of life ceremony right after the death can help -- even if it can't be carried out right away. 

"It's beneficial to focus, to put things together ... and that may be in the vein of planning for the future service or just for their own self, sharing in those memories, honouring their loved one," she said. 

Another way to cope is to talk to someone, both McMahon-Comartin and St Jean said, noting that CMHA Windsor-Essex is open and can help people find the support they need. 

Tell people you love them

Living through a global pandemic it's hard to escape death, St Jean said, adding that even if you haven't been directly impacted by loss during the pandemic it's good to talk about your fears or concerns with others.  

In these times of uncertainty or despair, Sharrow says it's a reminder to "say your love to the ones that you love."