The latest Pirates of the Caribbean vs. Baywatch

There's a rumble at the multiplex this weekend as the latest Pirates of the Caribbean installment looks to take on Baywatch. At first glance the fifth Pirates film may seem to have the deck stacked in its favour, but don't count out what Dwayne Johnson describes as "The Avengers of the beach."

While Baywatch offers a fun and frothy take on a '90s guilty pleasure, the producers of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales are dog paddling to keep their billion dollar franchise afloat. At this point the Pirates films are much like the theme park ride that inspired them. Fun at the beginning, but after a while you just want to get off.

The biggest problem with the latest installment is mustering the enthusiasm to care about Jack Sparrow. Sure it was a lark when it started, but Depp's drunk Buster Keaton schtick has aged badly. Perhaps that's why the new film includes a flashback with a younger Jack Sparrow voiced by Depp. Could the producers be toying with a new direction for the franchise?

Convoluted plots and magical MacGuffins

Another way to revitalize a series is with new characters. Hence the appearance of Brenton Thwaites as Henry, the son of Will Turner, and Kaya Scodelario as Carina, a science-minded woman searching for her father's treasure. You see, every Pirates film needs a magical MacGuffin, so this time it's the Trident of Poseidon which has the power to control the sea, banish curses and untangle the convoluted plot. Speaking of convoluted, the discovery of the trident also introduces the latest in a string of supernatural villains, Captain Salazar as played by Javier Bardem.

I know it's exhausting just to describe all this and I haven't even mentioned the return of Geoffrey Rush's Captain Barbossa. Part of the problem of the Pirates films is they assume an affection for characters that have long outlived their purpose. With its dingy, dark, uninspired direction, not even an ocean of CGI effects can save this bloated blockbuster.

Which brings us to this weekend's other contender, Baywatch, the Movie.

Here is a film that earns our affection by understanding how ridiculous its premise is and reveling in it.

From the director of Horrible Bosses, Baywatch functions as a self-aware Michael Bay movie.

Dwayne Johnson is a perfect fit as the super-sized Mitch Buchannon. He's the king of the beach tower who in the first 30 seconds on screen saves the day while dolphins do back flips in tribute. Zac Efron continues his comic streak from Neighbors as Matt Brody, a self-centred d-bag who was an Olympic swimmer and wants to escape from scandal. Efron oozes smugness and makes a great foil for the unflappable Mitch. 

Of course you can't have Baywatch without C.J. the blond goddess of the sea, played originally by Canada's Pamela Anderson. Stepping on the big screen from the pages of Sports Illustrated is Kelly Rohrbach as the new C.J. Like Anderson she brings natural charm and a bubbly presence to the proceedings.

Equal opportunity ogler

This is part of the sly genius of Baywatch. Baywatch knows what you want, and Baywatch is here to provide. In 2017, Baywatch is an equal opportunity ogler. For some there is Kelly Rohrback and Alexandra Daddario in the swimsuits with the conveniently located zippers. For others there's Zac Efron who is so cut, if you squint you can see his blood type. While Pirates of the Caribbean has a mean streak, Baywatch has salty language, but also heart. It gives Jon Bass as the token geeky guy a shot at the pretty girl and even features Priyanka Chopra hamming it up as the villain.

In short, leave soggy Jack Sparrow at sea and head for the bay instead.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales 2.5 stars out of 5

Baywatch: 3.5 out of 5.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead men tell very lame tales

8 years ago

Duration 4:45

CBC's Eli Glasner gives the 5th tired instalment of the amusement ride movie series 2½ stars