'A very powerful carrot': celebrity chef David Chang on how his workaholism fueled a mental health crisis

This story is part of Sound of Mind, a CBC q series about mental health and the arts.

When celebrity chef David Chang first went to see a psychiatrist in 2003, he didn't tell anyone.

Chang had attended New York's French Culinary Institute (now the International Culinary Center), and worked at high-end restaurants from Mercer Kitchen in Manhattan to Tokyo's Park Hyatt Hotel to Café Boulud where his culinary idol Alex Lee had worked.

The following year he would open his first restaurant, Momofuku Noodle Bar — a groundbreaking East Village eatery that would not only be a success: it would grow into a global empire.

He has since opened restaurants in Sydney, Toronto, Los Angeles, Las Vegas and New York, to name a few. He has made myriad guest appearances in documentaries and TV shows, hosted a podcast, created a magazine, written cookbooks and starred in a popular Netflix original series called Ugly Delicious.

From the outside, it looked like he was flying high; but inside, he was struggling with mental health issues including bipolar disorder and suicidal thoughts — a reality he openly confronts in his new memoir, Eat a Peach.

"It was something I was so ashamed of," he says in an interview with q host Tom Power. "I was very, very afraid that people would look at me differently."

'A very powerful carrot'

In the book, Chang traces his winding life path, which began in a deeply religious Korean family in Virginia, then led him to Japan where he experienced his first full-blown manic episode.

Cooking and sharing food, he thought, would give him a sense of purpose and agency.

Along the way, Chang reveals his deeply rooted feelings of inadequacy and other-ness, and his determination to bring the culinary underground to the mainstream.

He became a self-described workaholic — he calls it the last socially acceptable addiction in the world — and the relentlessly frantic pace of the restaurant business fueled that dependency.

Nothing makes sense in the world, and your life is in complete disarray — but man, you suit up, you put on your apron, you clean your claws, you sharpen your knives, everything is anarchy, and you have control over it. That's addictive.- David Chang

As he points out in the book, recovering alcoholics talk about needing to hit rock bottom before they're able to climb out. The paradox for the workaholic is that rock bottom often means they're at the top of their game.

"It was something that gave me meaning, and it was something that gave me order. It was all like joining the military in some ways. It gave me purpose," explains Chang.

"Nothing makes sense in the world, and your life is in complete disarray — but man, you suit up, you put on your apron, you clean your claws, you sharpen your knives, everything is anarchy, and you have control over it. That's addictive. It's the only thing I could control," he says.

"And I can't speak on behalf of anyone else. But having meaning in a life where you never really found meaning before, that's a very powerful carrot."

WATCH | Official trailer for Chang's Netflix docuseries Ugly Delicious:

Western societies, and especially America, encourage people to follow their dreams, be the best at what they do, and sacrifice everything to get there, notes Chang.

"But there is no one who talks about after you get to that mountaintop. And oftentimes, when you get to that mountaintop, at least for myself, it's a process of being completely and utterly alone," he says, adding that people often end up alone because they've "burned every single bridge with everyone else along the way."

'I was scared'

When he sought treatment for his mental illness, Chang not only feared that people would look at him differently; he feared that he would become different — and potentially jeopardize what had made him so successful.

"When I was 36 or 37, I made a conscious decision to try to let go of the burdens I was carrying. And I remember telling my psychiatrist, 'If I let these things go, I think I might implode.' I might stop to exist because my anger, my rage, all of the things that sort of fueled me — a lot of it was fueled by depression — were going to prevent me from being me anymore. And I was scared," says Chang, now 43.

WATCH | Chang talks about bringing his food empire to Canada:

He began taking medication, and remembers telling his doctor that it was working — but just barely enough to keep his head above water. At the time he was OK with that, fearing that pushing the envelope further could fundamentally change him; in recent years, however, he became more open to change.

"It's completely natural for anybody to realize, 'I may not be me anymore.' And that doesn't happen overnight," says Chang.

"This whole process of battling mental illness is no different than if you're a triathlete. Somebody who wasn't a triathlete doesn't become one overnight. It takes time and training and a lot of effort and realizing one's weaknesses and strengths," he says.

"I think I've gotten better. I've accepted that. But it's not easy, man, and I don't want anyone to think that it's easy to come to that realization. And part of that growing up and writing this book was realizing, 'Wait, my depression has been central to my success as a person. But it could also be my demise if I don't change.'"

WATCH | Anthony Bourdain visits Momofuku in New York to eat with Chang:

Chang says that since he's become more open about his battle with mental illness, people around him have started revealing their own hidden hardships and asking for advice. He sometimes wishes that he had sought help sooner — but recognizes that he, like many, first had to overcome the social taboos that persist to this day.

"I've had a lot of cancer in my family. And I was like, 'Wait, this is cancer of the psyche, cancer of the soul.' I really believe that. And it's proven to be genetic. It is part of your DNA. So why are we looking at it as something that makes you feel like you're an outcast?" says Chang.

"Over time, we've taken a more thoughtful approach to someone who has addiction issues, we've taken a much more thoughtful approach to someone who has real internal medical issues, like cancer or any other kind of disease," he says.

"And I was like, 'Why the hell is this still a taboo subject?' It hasn't changed."

WATCH | Chang samples the best local street food from Los Angeles to Phnom Penh:

Now Chang's personal goal is to not get to the mountaintop, he says, to not always shoot for the grandest achievements. It's a lot like eating a candy bar, he says: it takes a lot of discipline not to eat the entire thing, but you're better off.

Like restaurateurs around the world, Chang is also weathering the COVID-19 pandemic, which has ravaged the industry — he says "it's been like grieving the loss of a loved one" — and is trying to both adjust to the so-called "new normal" and anticipate what lies ahead.

Still, despite what he calls his "Eeyore-ness" — "I'm always looking around the corner, expecting the worst to happen," he jokes — Chang still manages to see light on the horizon.

As dark as things can be personally, for your business, for your loved ones — and we are living in some incredibly difficult times — I have to constantly remind myself that hope is the most powerful thing.- David Chang

"As deep as the despair can be for anyone, including myself, I am hopelessly optimistic that there's always one thing that can turn the tide, that can make things better. You have to keep all options on the table," says Chang.

"As dark as things can be personally, for your business, for your loved ones — and we are living in some incredibly difficult times — I have to constantly remind myself that hope is the most powerful thing," he says.

"And it's very difficult for someone to tarnish if you really believe in it, right? It's something that, if you hold on to it, can get you through the darkest of times."

Written by Jennifer Van Evra. Interview produced by Chris Trowbridge.